shirley you're kidding?!

So its been one of those weeks again!
dealing with the crazies... the ridiculously insane... and some just downright silly folk...
and now that i've told you about my colleagues... let me tell you about my patients...
they've been unusually quiet...they've been behaving themselves...
and i think some of them actually have begun to listen to me!

There's this 86yr old bean on my ward, who's just not doing well at all...
shes very frail and weak...and ill...and giving up...
and she refuses to eat anything!
the nurses think she's depressed...
i think she just hates the food they give her!
( this is a secret she's let me in on ;) and i ve promised to make sure they give her more carrots and peas...she likes her veggies... and white bread... none of that healthy wholemeal stuff! )
now this is the problem with medicine, i think...
everyone's always insisting on a diagnosis!
there simply must be something wrong with her...
why is it that she must be depressed?
i seriously don't know what's wrong with her!
she wouldn't eat... she wouldn't talk...
and then she just decided to talk to me about her general take on life!
out of the blue... probably just because she felt like it.
yes, she's poorly... but sometimes she's just fine.

it was really warm sunny day today...actually hot, it was...
and all the cool folk with convertibles had their tops down...
( note to self - must remember to get chainsaw and take roof off of my old toyota)
and then this evening it snowed.

this is the thing about life, isnt it?
your never quite sure what'll happen...
yes , we all listen to the weather man on channel 4...
and he did predict snow... and he knows what he's talking about...
( he could be like a weather doctor now, couldn't he?!)

but when its as warm as it was today...
(and you cant believe your good luck that its a Sunday... and for once you have the day off when its nice weather!)
...and you think to yourself... i dont care what the weatherman says...
theres no chance it'll snow.

i dont know if its because i dont believe the weatherman...
or i simply dont want to.

i have the rest of the week off...
and i wont be seeing my favourite old rita...
i ll see her when i get back...
i know i will...
cos none of the other women in my life wait eagerly to see me like she does.

Three

Thank you, Asha, for tagging me with this.
i havnt done something like this since i left school!
but it should be fun... and so here goes.

three things that scare me -
... roaches - i once was camping and woke up with a gigantic, crawly, extra crackly roach on my face. i lay awake for a few seconds that seemed like eternity, before it crawled.... and my skin crawled with it.
... being alone - i know its the nightmare that every kid wakes up screaming to... but i had a dream that recurred when i was a kid, where i woke up and couldnt find anyone... i was alone in my classroom in school... and i ran through the building in mute silence... desperately looking for my friends.
... drowning. i cant swim. and i've tried.

three people who make me laugh...
... manny - he's my golfing buddy... meaning really that he's taken it upon himself to teach me how to be snobbish and sophisticated on a proper English golf course... no bloody indians allowed!
... victor - he has this natural way about him that's incredibly slapstick... he can just be himself, and its funny... in a very jerry lewis way... in a very christ -college mad-ads team kinda way... in a strange i-want-to-strangle-him-with-my-bare-hands kinda way.
... nyles crane - i know he's fictional... but he's funny... he's genius... and i love the geek in him!

three things i love...
... poetry - emily dickinson, john donne & the rest of the metaphysicals
( Tell the truth... tell all the truth... but tell it slant - emily dickinson! )
... chocolate mud-pies - icky, gooey, and oozy.
... the smell of freshly baked bread - it reminds me of christmas at home.

Three things i hate...
... people who cant be nice - impolite, look-down-their-nose-at-you, selfish people.
... bigotry. patriots/liberals/militant/conservative/orthodox/asian/black/white/christian/muslim/hindu/low caste/male... these are terms that are bandied about much too wrongly.
... what we're doing to the earth. (yes, yes, i get all militant about it )

Three things i don't understand...
... practised stupidity - Paris Hilton type clones... the ones with the incredibly empty existences, shallow daily needs, non existent brains... but people want to give them lots of money to stay that way.
... why Titanic won awards.
... why people want books on CD! The Lord gave us fingers to turn pages with, eyes to read with, and imaginations to allow us into a different world. Read!

Three things on my desk...
... a calendar with all the bank holidays, and even every weekend , marked with smileys. long weekends and annual leave get gold stars with moustaches!
... my imitation Darth Vader light saber -with a red light that goes from laser to disco!
... a packet of wholesome, nutritionally valuable, vitamin enriched food pills disguised as Malteasers.

Three things i'm doing right now...
... planning an Italian Job type heist - so that i can retire to a life of leisure on a beach in the Caribbean.
... trying to stop using exclamation marks!!!! It surely is a sign of insanity.
... growing up.

Three things i want to do before i die...
... go diving off the great barrier reef... because i'm terrified of the ocean.
... finish that book that i started to write about my life - it ll be funny. i promise.
... convert car into batmobile!

Three things I can do...
... laugh - at almost anything. myself, mostly.
... cook a mean chicken curry that will knock your socks off.
... dream - fantastic, next to improbable, almost tangible dreams. usually less clearly when im not asleep.

Three things you should listen to...
... that voice in the back of your head
... your mother - when she tells you not to put that pea up your nose
... thermal and a quarter

Three things you should never listen to...
... expert advice on hidden weapons of mass destruction
... my brother's excuses about why he's late. again.
... lily allen, pop idol winners, boy bands, a voice of reason just before you jump bungee.

Three things i'd like to learn...
... how to Tango. now that, is sexy. it makes jiving and salsa look amateur.
... how to play the saxophone.
... how to read what women are actually saying. or not saying. are they waiting, welcoming, warning, waxing, waning, or are they just looking past me out the window?!

Three favourite foods...
... chocolate mousse, chocolate mud pies, panacotta, cheesecake, the M&S brownies... you get the drift.
... lasagne
... good ol' desi food. the spicy, chicken tikka masala kind of creamy, rich, curry. i miss my mum!

Three shows/books i watched/read as a child...
... star trek
... batman comics
... the sherlock holmes series

tossed salads and scrambled eggs

So yesterday i was driving to work, and i was in a bad mood...
( now you must see, that this is not unusual when one is on one's way to work )

i was cussing the chap on radio -2 ...
( normally, i talk to myself... but people who notice me tend to think i'm mad... so i've resorted to singing to myself... that way people just think i'm an idiot... hence the need for the radio... still doesn't explain why i was talking to the radio...but, hey... )

you see, he was being very silly... he was being annoyingly upbeat...
( now that in itself is not irksome... but it tends to grate when i'm not feeling cheerful myself... which does happen... a few times... per day...)

here i was stuck in my car... it was a cold and gloomy day, and it was raining...
( now again, this in itself, is not a reason to bring up any bile... and it would not be remiss to moan about the dark, dank, cloudy, unwholesome, depression- inducing weather... no... this is England! )

and i was late getting to work...
( this too, is totally accountable... considering the weather conditions, the fact that it was a monday, my car is an old beat up jalopy that was resuscitated from a scrapyard, the roads were frosty, and the woman who lives next door listens to Take That all the time and hence causes my delicate constitution great harm )

all this was pretty much routine... but this chappie on the radio had a really girly giggle, and he talked non-stop, and he was being oh so sweet, and he was giving away prizes to these prize morons who had nothing better to do than call in to his show - about Love.
( Good Grief !! )

...the reason i was so upset, was that i had run out of cereal that morning!
i mean... what a horrible thing to happen on a monday morning!!
( you must understand... that chunky nut honey cornflakes are ludicrously tasty... as anyone knows... they are vitamin-enriched, iron-fortified, low-salt, golden flakes with peanuts and honey... and a lack of sugar just means that i am not able to tolerate the prissy secretary who manages my clinic! )


now these are the times that i stop to complain about my life...
these are the times when i cannot be bothered to smile at my fellow man, shrug off the weight of third world debt, take in my stride the dying throes of our planet, be generous to people who only care about themselves, turn the other cheek to people who monger hate and terrorism...
and all those other things that i'm supposed to dislike.


And then i met Fran...
this lovely 94 year old lady...
who came to my clinic with her daughter...
because she was having memory problems.

She waddled in using her Zimmer-frame...
she looked at me very sceptically...

" they brought me to see you because they think i'm mad, doctor "

" but i'm not. I've had a good life... a long one... and it's been full "

" i worked as a cherry-picker on a fruit farm, i served in the army during the war, i was a nurse-volunteer for the Red Cross, i've had three daughters, twelve grandchildren, and many great grandchildren"

" I dont remember names... but i remember the first time Michael and I held hands... i remember my first kiss... i remember hearing on the news that the great war was over... i remember the first christmas that my daughters bought me a present...a red scarf... and i remember what a pain this daughter was, both coming out of me, and ever after! "

" I've had a full life. Can i go home and carry on, please?"



I discharged Fran.
I walked down the road and bought myself a lamb doner burger with extra mayonnaise.
I'm going to change radio stations.
I'm going to try find the rest of my life.