You Spexy Thing!

"Well... you look like an intelligent sorts..." she said.

" Are you saying i'm not, then ???"

" No, no.. its the glasses, you see... they make you look intelligent " she exclaimed, quickly backtracking.

" I'm so sorry to disappoint you ! Maybe I should wear a warning with my glasses! 'Caution - people with spectacles may be more ignorant than they appear!' "


I have worn spectacles since i was a wee lad...
( my dad wasn't sure if i couldn't see, or if i was just the most spectacularly awkward boy! I fell over on a flat floor with absolute ease! )
Im used to people thinking i'm a nerd, folks just assuming that i studied too much, or sat too close to the television, and i've even had one auntie-ji say " So sad! he's only 6 years old and has such big glasses!"

I must protest. Really, i must.

I love wearing glasses.
I feel quite naked without them.
And i am extraordinarily ignorant ( which means I'm extra ignorant about ordinary things), but that has nothing to do with my glasses.

If I fell over while playing footie, its my glasses that i protect first.
Ask anyone who wears glasses. You worry about your glasses before you worry about your head!
This comes from a Pavlovian reflex. from all the pairs I broke when i was in school. I needed new specs almost every six months! Ask my mum!
I remember her saying, just as I was trying on the new pair... every single time... " you break this pair, Rayner Sanjay Lazaro, and you will stay blind! "

I broke spectacles while playing football, basketball, hockey, and even carroms.
( Really. I played the worst ever shot in the history of the game, and then laughed so hard, that i banged my head on the table when i fell over)

I played sports with a vengeance, you see. This was simply because I was that chap who always got picked last.
Not only did i wear glasses, which immediately puts you in a 'Nerd' category... but i was as skinny as a broomstick, and knew how to spell correctly.
( that doesn't help much on the hockey field, i learnt)
But, that made me play every sport i possibly could. And soon began to really enjoy them.

Once, I was leaning out the window cleaning the duster from the chalkboard in our classroom...
( which was probably the only real job of the class monitor... other than helping the teacher carry her books down to the staff room...)
And Vipin thumped me on the back to say hello...
and my glasses went sailing down three floors...
( in typical Matrix Reloaded style... slow motion... spinning gently in Tai-Chi fashion...)


Once I had Pravin run into me while we were playing football...
It was the one of those few times that i unexpectedly found myself with the ball at the opponents' goal...
( wide eyed, and dreaming of glory when i shot it...)
But Pravin, you see, was a heavy chap... ( he believed in either getting the ball, or stopping the man... as many a forward player will remember ruefully )
And its infinitely easier when the chap wears glasses... because you know you can squash him like a fly... and that, was what he did to me.
Against the goal post, i might add.
I was knocked almost unconscious.
"Are you alive?" was the question...
" Are my glasses broken?" was the question in reply.


Certain ladies will attest to the awkwardness of which side to tilt your head when they've finally decided to kiss this geek who's been so sweet to them...
Certain ladies will also attest to interrupted smooches, in order to find safest spot to place aforementioned valuable glasses...
They will advise you to carry handbag to disco, in order to provide safe spot for glasses when serious boogie is in order.
They will remember numerous conversations about whether or not glasses are tilted, in the very very slightest, to one side... " they just feel funny, babe! "


I love wearing glasses.
I actually think its funny how people think i'm smart just because i wear glasses. I shant burst their bubble.
And Clive Lloyd won twenty six tests without a defeat as captain. Those were thick glasses.